Domestic Life Lyrics

(spoken)
She pressed the knife lightly against his left testicle and said, `Now do I have your attention?` He yawned and said, `Yes, yes, what is it now?` She said, `I`m gonna cut off your fucking balls.` He said, `Yes, I gathered that, but what`s the subtext here? You don`t really wanna cut off my balls, you want me to do something. Why don`t you tell me what you want me to do?` She said, `I want you to know what I want you to do.` As she said this, he slipped away and quickly opened the lower drawer of the endtable and pulled out the revolver. He cocked and aimed it and said, `Is this it? Is this what you want me to do? You want me to shoot you in your fuckin` ass? Turn around. I`m gonna shoot you in your fuckin` ass.` `That gun`s not loaded, fuckface,` she said. `I took the bullets out of it last night.` `Oh yeah?` he said. `I reloaded it this morning.` And to prove his point, he shot the television. `You stupid fuck!` she said. `The season premiere of ER is on in five minutes. George Clooney. George Clooney. Must-see TV.` `Oh honey,` he said, `I`m sorry, I`m sorry, come on. We`ll watch it in the living room.` `Forget it,` she said. `I`m not in the mood. Maybe tomorrow.` Maybe tomorrow indeed. For aren`t we all prisoners of time? Isn`t everything we do done with one eye on the clock? `Shut up,` she said, `who asked you anyway? Honey, let`s sell this house, it`s too big. Let`s sell this house, buy a trailer, put the leftover money in mutual funds, and live off the dividends for the rest of our lives.` `Sugarpie,` he said, `that really ticks me off. One minute you wanna cut my balls off, then when I`m all ready you up and wanna do something different. Live in a trailer, maybe I should shoot you in the ass, you`re not in the mood. You`re not in the mood. Well, maybe I`m in the mood. Maybe I`m really in the mood. Maybe I`ll just mosey on down to Lucy`s trailer and shoot her in the ass. Have her cut off a testicle or two. How does that tickle you?`

She sat silently for almost thirty seconds and then said, `We don`t live in a trailer park, stupid. You can`t `mosey on down to Lucy`s trailer,` because the nearest trailer park is two hours on the interstate.` She was right, of course. The nearest trailer park was over a hundred miles away on I-90– `I just said that!` she said. `Just shut the fuck up and let me think for a minute.` `Who are you talking to?` he asked. `Shut up,` she said, `you`re driving me fucking nuts.` `Honey,` he said, `let`s go downstairs and watch George Clooney –` `If you don`t shut up,` she said, `I will shoot the living room television just as surely as I shot the bedroom television.` `But honey!` he said. `It`s the season premiere! Must-see TV! Must-see. Must-see. Besides, I shot the television.` `That`s it,` she said, `kiss those balls goodbye.` She deftly hacked off his balls with a few quick strokes and stuffed them into his mouth. `Hmmmph!` he said. `Hmmmmmmmph!` he said. She said, `He said, `Shut up and let me eat my balls in peace.` And will you stop saying `he said` and `she said` in the middle of everything we say, or I`ll cut your fucking balls off next` – to which I replied, `Okay. Fuck you. Fuck you both. Take that knife and shove it up your ass, you ungrateful little shits, I created you. I formed you out of nothing, like a god, I invented both of you, and all you do is fight. I sat down and took the time to write a nice little story about you two when I could`ve been watching ER. Go fuck yourselves! Both of you! Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck – you give and you give, and what`s the point, what`s the fucking point? I missed the season premiere, and – now I`ll never know what happened with the thing, and the, and the – thing. And – it`s all so useless and hopeless – this is a very bad day.`

`Hey look,` he said, `I`m sorry. You`re right.` `I`m sorry too,` she said. `We`re both being very selfish. We didn`t realize you were in such pain. Let it out. Don`t hold it back. Let it out. Tell us all about it.` `Yes,` he said, `you can tell us. You can trust us. You can count on us. You can fuck us and kill us.` `You really mean it?` I said. `I can tell you everything?` `Of course!` they replied in unison, and stood there smiling their smarmy fucking smiles. So I killed them and fucked them and hacked them to bits, and then I told them everything.